I read something the other day that made me think about something I experienced years ago and it made me think about friendships. In the book I was reading the author challenged his readers to think about what we would do if we had a friend who struggled with sexual addiction. He asked if we would be willing to take our friend to an addiction group (like AA). Then came the kicker – what would you feel and say when you got in the room? Would you sit there in support and concern for your friend, or would you be playing over and over in your head what you were going to say when the introductions got to you? Would you want to justify why you’re there, make sure everyone knew you weren’t the one with the problem or would you be so concerned for your friend that you wouldn’t care less what others thought about you?
I’ve been in that situation years ago, but in a slightly different scenario. I wasn’t attending a meeting with a friend, but I was attending various AA and NA groups to learn. At the time, I wanted to start a support group at my church so I wanted to learn as much as I could before actually trying this at my church. So, when I was at these meetings, it would come around to me and I’d have to introduce myself. As I was sitting there listening to people, they all start off with, “Hi, my name is _________ and I’m an alcoholic or I’m addicted to drugs, etc.” So, as it’s getting close to me, I have all these thoughts going through my head. I didn’t want to be an intruder; I didn’t want to be associated with these addictions; I wanted to explain why I was there; bottom line was that there was something going on inside me that I didn’t like. I didn’t like that I wanted to be “separate” from them as if I was better, as if somehow I didn’t have any problems and this bothered me. I learned a great deal about support groups, but I learned a whole lot more about me during those meetings. I learned compassion; I learned not to judge; I learned that I was filled with pride and I needed to do something about it. Sometimes, it’s in the most unlikely of places that you find out more about who you are.
So, what does this have to do with friendships?
Well, to me, I want people in my life who would be willing to confront me in love about needing help. It takes a lot of courage to see someone you love who is making terrible decisions and confront them. You actually risk losing that friendship. Secondly, I want people in my life who would walk into any place to get me help and not be so concerned about their appearance and status above their concern for me. In turn, this challenges me to my core to ask what kind of friend am I? What kind of person am I? To what length would I go to get my friends the help they need?
These are difficult questions and the point isn’t to cast judgment, but it’s to challenge us to think about who we are and what kind of person we want to become. Then, make one small step in that direction. We all have room to grow and change so take some time and reflect on this. Ask yourself the tough questions and I hope you get better as a result.
Peace.
